The Secret of Coaching Lies in the Silence: the one key Element of Coaching that’s Underused and Underutilized
- Esther Weinberg
- Oct 29, 2025
- 3 min read
It’s tough to be quiet. When there’s silence in a conversation we tend to want to fill the space. While that is perfectly normal, when you are coaching someone, silence can be a powerful tool to facilitate the other person to think more deeply, be more mindful and discover something they wouldn’t have normally.
It’s a funny thing when we ask a question and there’s that awkward silence on the other end, you may tend to think they didn’t understand you or you need to rephrase the question or take a different approach. Nope. Silence is a great facilitator to assist the other person to grow, learn and discover for themselves.
As leaders, if your interest is to genuinely grow the other person then silence must start to be your friend and you must learn to utilize it in a variety of situation and circumstances.
First as a tool for listening, being silent is critical so the other person can answer fully and completely. It gives them the space to be heard and you time to truly digest what they are saying. Remember that the other person doesn’t know they have been heard until you speak again.
Silence is actually a form of communication and while silence can also be used to stymie conversation it can also be a powerful way to enhance a conversation, grow your relationship and facilitate growth.
How do you use silence mindfully to intentionally develop and grow another person? Here are 5 strategies:
1. When you ask a question, allow for the silence.
Sometimes I’ve seen people struggle in answering a question and you can literally see them squirm a bit. When you are coaching this is perfectly fine. As coaches you may be getting to a tough area for the other person and you simply want to allow the other person to find their way. Or the other person is processing the question and it’s something they’ve never considered before. Allow for them to have their space.
2. Notice where you struggle in the silence – sometimes it’s not the other person who is struggling, it’s you.
You may even want to lean in and help answer the question. Don’t. That’s when coaching moves from the intention to help another person grow to helping yourself be uncomfortable. Most times when you truly let go of knowing as the coach, the other person surprises you with their answer.
3. Be aware of body language.
As you master silence you will see that the person you are coaching tells you so much by their body language then by their actual words. Being able to read body language and subtle cues is critical. Squirming in a chair is an obvious sign, someone’s face scrunching slightly is a bit more subtle.
4. Demonstrating empathy.
Silence is a magical way of demonstrating empathy. If you provide clear eye contact with an empathetic gaze, lean into the conversation and acknowledge even with a head nod what the other person is saying, it gives someone a safe space to think, consider and respond.
5. Allow for the internal struggle.
When you ask a question and remain quiet, it allows for the other person to begin solving their own issues and examining their actions. This sometimes is not pretty as they may be realizing behaviors to which have served them all their lives that no longer work. When they even reach an aha moment, allow for that moment to penetrate. It’s an internal victory for them. In the case when someone awakens to behavior they want to let go of and not know where to move next, make sure you are not the one giving them the answers. Let them stand in the acknowledgment that what they just said and realized is massive. They may need more time and space to consider what’s next and having you right there with them as a support is a great way for them to safely with trust and respect be able to even consider what that next step will be.
As you start utilizing silence more, begin to discover your own relationship to silence. How comfortable are you with silence? What situations move you from being ok with silence to wanting to fill in the seemingly empty space? Remember that silence is not about nothingness, it’s the creation of intentional gap for discovery.
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